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Shores of Despair: My life between happiness and sorrow (6), by Safinousta

27 June 2020, Safinousta

What?! He raped you. But he's such a monster, how could he have exposed your intimacy like that?

As we say the destiny is this river which flows in a direction already traced, the countries which it crosses or sprinkles feel its floods, its undeniable decreases, the boats which borrow it, of good or bad fortune are transformed according to its flow and the speed of its current. Whether we accept it or try to get around it, our lives are these corners, their path is that direction, we are these boats.

I realize now my sweetie that we can only act, put our willingness and an ounce of belief that it takes but we can also only accept the result of these actions whose nature escapes us as said a dear friend of mine.

During the second semester of my 3rd year at the university, we had to present a project on a company in the hydrocarbon sector. And however much we want to get an interview, it seemed that people in Senegal are somewhat reluctant when it comes to providing data. Fortuitously I found the business card Momar had given me when I cleaned my room, and it happened that he was a senior manager in one of these companies. We had a lot of time left, our requests had so far been unanswered, so I decided to seize the opportunity. I called him and it was the beginning of this relationship.

At first, he was wonderful, listening to everyone of my requests, always there when needed, he was for me the shoulder on which I could rest when I was lost.

I did not see anything coming until the day he got to know my family. He had returned to the good graces of the latter by dint of spreading his generosity, I told myself that he was just generous and I found that he was doing too much, but since people adapt to the environment, to other people's accepted or perceptible expectations, he played the game well. My family, which was not poor, put me in the dark. 'embarrassment every time, praise here, compliments there. He brought my uncle to Mecca, chose a more prestigious private school for my little cousins, provided a wider clientele to my mother who held a tailoring salon, my aunt meanwhile hardly complained about the bundles he distributed to her and so on…

Why people are so materialistic these days, why don’t they learn to accept what the good Lord entrusts to them as wealth; when the question of the “savior” of the one who will get us out of precarious living conditions does not arise it is that of “the equal,” of the one who is part of our rank, of our social level which arises.

I believed in his beautiful intentions, in these promises which were held on a straw, he decided to marry me the day after my graduation. He operated the levers he wanted, I suffered without flinching.

And you know that it was hardly his situation that interested me, what pushed me towards him was this impression that I had, that he could ensure my safety, that he would be there for me, these false qualities that he had invented himself. I started, although to a lesser extent to appreciate him, to get used to him. I never wondered if I really liked this man.

Everything happened so quickly, 7 months after we met, I found myself in his big house, as a wife and a life partner, that's what I thought. The ceremony was done with pomp, everyone seemed happy, satisfied that I had made this choice, I convinced myself that I was finally going to taste marital happiness.

He had booked a suite in a 4-star hotel, I was already dreaming of the nights I was going to taste, the first was bitter. There was something in his eyes that had changed, he no longer even bothered to pretend, the curtains were down, the gentleman revealed his true face.

-Mayriam: darling, I'm really tired, too many emotions in one day.
-Momar: Oh yeah?! Well we're going to have to revitalize you, we have a long night ahead of us.
-Mayriam: I know you've been waiting since, but you know we talked about it, and you said that you were going to be understanding and that we were going to give ourselves the time we need.
-Momar: The minute you gave your consent, when you signed this act, you lost your rights over yourself. Listen to me now, you are mine and remember this well: I am the one who decides here what we will do or not do.
-Mayriam: what's going on with you? You do not feel well, do you? Is that you Momar?
-Momar: Enough unnecessary chatter, go get ready I am waiting for you.

I did so without flinching, I had freshened up, I was now on this bed with this man who for me had become a complete stranger. There was no sparkle, no tenderness, nothing smart, it was awful, I was struggling. He called two groom who held me and left me at his mercy. I'll spare you the details. I only felt disgust.

-Mina: What?! He raped you. But he's such a monster, how could he have exposed your intimacy like that? And why didn't you stop everything at this very moment?
-Mayriam: I dared not talk about it, and then who was I going to talk to, my family would surely have told me that he is my husband and that I had to obey him.

It was a first failure for me, for my couple, but it did not prove that I could not make this failure a springboard to success.

What would you have done in his place? Did this man deserve a second chance?
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